And It All Comes Tumbling Down
by Smokey Joe
Summary: Haley's thoughts during 'I Shall Believe.'


Okay – this is Haley's thoughts during 'I Shall Believe'. There isn't really a pairing per say but it is about Haley and Lucas so I guess you could call it a pairing for them. Anyways- please review and tell me what you think! Thanks a bunch! XOXO ~SJ  
  
And It All Comes Tumbling Down  
  
I was trying my hardest to keep my jaw from smacking the floor, or at the moment my bed. The only thing running through my head was why hadn't I listened to Lucas? If what Nathan had just said was true then Lucas was right, and then Keith called and my world flew off track. In mere seconds the world that I had built for myself brick by brick had been completely destroyed and I was left standing amidst the rubble all on my own. I could hear my heart hammering in my ears, how could this have happened? How could this have happened to Lucas? When Nathan was gone I grabbed the phone and called Peyton, but I couldn't step over the little line that separated my bedroom from the hallway. I couldn't go to him. What could I ever say? What could I ever do to take back what I had said? And what if he didn't make it? My head was spinning with questions that threatened to knock me to the floor and I slowly sank back into the comforting softness of my bed. I just needed to think.  
I leaned back against my wall and held a pillow to my chest for dear life, hoping that somehow that the fabric and feathers could hold my world together. I found myself thinking of the first time I had ever fought with Lucas. We were in the second grade and it was Halloween. We were going to dress up together but were arguing about what to dress as. Lucas wanted to be Power Rangers while I wanted to be M&M's. We were screaming when I finally hauled off and hit him. He didn't go far, being made of pure muscle even then, and came back and shoved me. I, having the worst possible balance at the time, fell and my hand struck a rock. It hurt like hell, being deep enough that I needed stitches. There was blood everywhere and I was in tears and Lucas was apologizing like crazy. I was mad and hurt and so I did the most logical thing I could think of, I ran the whole way home.  
  
I smiled at the memory. We'd been M&M's that year. Lucas came over that afternoon with a card and a plate of my favorite cookies as an apology. The next Halloween I let him choose the costume and we'd been Shaggy and Scooby. Our lives had always been connected and we'd always made it through any argument and had always been able to fix whatever problem came our way. This time I wasn't so sure that things could be fixed. What if the impossible happened? What if Lucas died? What the hell would I do when I was all alone? I'd never make it if I had to do it without my other half. And somehow I couldn't help but think that somehow this was my fault. Some higher being was punishing me for being so cruel to Lucas before the accident. I would never be able to face Karen if something happened to him, or if he didn't come out of this on top.  
A knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts. Peyton was there and I felt my heart sink even further. How could I ever explain? She asked why I wasn't there and what could I say? I can't face the greatest friend I've ever had because I told him I never wanted him to speak to me again, even though I could see more hurt in his eyes than anger as I'd left. Who would ever understand when I barley could? I told her I needed to be alone, I just needed to figure things out. How had this happened, I wondered again. When Peyton finally left I returned to letting my mind wander. I recalled last Christmas. Money had been tight and I had barley been able to afford gifts for my family, and I still hadn't gotten anything for Lucas. I had been cruising the sports sections, looking to replace Lucas' almost completely destroyed basketball that had had a run in with a car the week before. There was nothing in my price range that was worthy of such a dedicated ball player, and that was when I'd come upon the perfect thing, a little Nurf set that could be mounted on a wall or door. Basketball twenty- four-seven. It was perfect and perfectly priced. What had shocked me was the gift he'd given me. It was a bracelet, one that was so simple that I almost cried because within that simplicity there was perfection. It was made of leather, soft and brown, and there was a small charm, a circle, at the center that had two simple words on it. THE GREATEST. I looked to my wrist and smiled sadly, I was wearing it.  
  
I don't even know how I got to bed that night, but when I woke in the morning I expected to hear the phone ringing with Lucas laughing telling me that it had all been some sick, twisted mistake. The call never came. To occupy my time I did inventory. Peyton found it as odd as I would have in her shoes and I found myself explaining why I wasn't there. Lucas wouldn't want to see me. Even in his comatose state I was sure that he hated me, I was so sure that he was still angry. And a little part of me wasn't ready to face that he had been right about Nathan. The worst part of it was the part of me that didn't want to see him because I knew I would lose it. I knew there'd be no way I'd be able to hold up seeing him not in top condition.  
And I was right. I saw him and I almost felt my world start to come crashing down again. Peyton was wrong, seeing him didn't help to do anything but reinforce everything. There was nothing I could do to make him better, no boo-boos I could kiss, no scratches I could cover with a Band- Aid, and no words I could say to fix it all. I couldn't do a damn thing and even if I could I wasn't sure that he'd even want it. He had Peyton and Brooke and Karen to take care of him, why would he need me? Especially after the things I had said? How could I ever fix this? I left Peyton at the hospital and just started walking, memory after memory running through my head. I found myself at the mini-golf course that we'd built, wishing that we could get those simpler times back, wishing we could be those people again.  
Talking to Peyton it hit me just how much I needed him back. I needed to see him smile, laugh, or even yell. I just wanted to be able to look into those blue eyes that could always see through my lies and tell him that I didn't mean what I said. I wanted to tell him that I love him and that I couldn't imagine living in a world without him. I wanted to tell him that he's the greatest friend I'd ever had. I found myself walking to the River Court, wanting to be someplace that he loved. I picked up a piece of chalk and stared at it. What should I write? What could I write that would make a difference. As I was staring at the chalk in my hand a cloud moved away from the sun and the light caught on something on my wrist and I suddenly knew. It took me a half an hour to make the letters perfect and fill them in just right but when I was done, I knew it had been the right thing. It was all I could do until I could face him.  
  
I filled the hours with working. I saw to it that I never had a free moment to thing too much about Lucas, but still my every action reminded me of him. The coffee machine, the rag, even the tables. When I looked at my math homework I could hear him telling me that Nathan was no good, and when I looked out the window my eyes would be drawn towards the River Court. Every moment I tried not to spend on him I ended up spending thinking of him nonstop. There was nothing I could do and I knew I was going to drive myself mad. Just when I thought I wouldn't make it through another second I looked to the door and found myself looking at Nathan. He walked towards me slowly and told me the only thing I'd wanted to hear since the accident. Three words that put my world back on the right track. "Lucas is awake." His further confession helped immensely and things finally felt like they were going to be okay again, maybe the world wasn't going to end and maybe, if I was the luckiest girl to ever walk the planet, Lucas would forgive me and everything would be okay.  
  
I let Nathan take me to the hospital. We didn't talk and all I could do was bounce my knees in nervousness. By the time the elevator stopped on the right floor my whole body was shaking with nerves. Nathan walked behind me, one hand on my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down. It helped some, but I knew the only way that I'd ever be okay again was if Lucas could forgive me and we could get back to being the best friends we always were. The door was open and I walked in, trying to keep my walls up and together, and there he was. There was a sling keeping his shoulder still, cuts dancing around the right side of his face, and his hair was somewhat disheveled but he's never looked more perfect than that exact moment. Brooke was sitting there, chatting it up with him, but as soon as his eyes met mine the whole world melted away and it was just the two of us. Brooke stood, a smile on her face, knowing that we needed our space to right things.  
I didn't know what I'd ever say, but Lucas took care of it. He didn't say anything poetic, or life altering but I knew I'd never forget his simple greeting. "Hey, buddy. I missed you." Maybe it was the tenderness and forgiveness in his voice, maybe it was because I knew I finally had my best friend back, or maybe it was just everything but all my walls came tumbling down and I knew I was a goner. I laid my head on his shoulder, letting him kiss my head gently and stroke my hair. I had almost lost the greatest thing I'd ever had, I had come so close to losing him in two different ways and I couldn't take it. He let me cry it out and just held me, understanding without words what I felt. When I felt I had enough control to look at him I sat up and pulled him into the tightest hug I think I've ever given. And I knew that everything was going to be all right. Everything was going to be all right.  
  
Well- any thoughts are good thoughts in my mind~ I just happen to like constructive comments more than the others! Thanks for your time and I hope you liked it! 


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